Transcript
I think to understand self-sabotage, we first really need to understand our brain. And most people are really surprised to hear that our brain is not there to make us happy. It is there to keep us alive or survive. So when we push ourselves to try new things or things that are out of our comfort zone, our brains go: “Oh, this might be a threat to us surviving. So I’m actually going to try and keep them comfortable and keep them in the familiar”. And that often is the basis of self-sabotage. So for example, if somebody wants to diet, they immediately start craving a cookie or something sweet or something that is not conducive to a good, healthy diet. That is the brain going: “Oh no, I don’t want you losing any rate. I don’t want you changing because I’m keeping you safe”. So that often is the basis of self-sabotage.
Our brains are very powerful at moving us away from pain and moving us towards pleasure. In fact, our brains are more powerful than moving us away from pain than it is moving towards pleasure. It’s pretty much a consequence of the brain’s job, self-sabotage. That’s what it does, it wants you to stay safe. So a lot of people blame themselves, but it’s not, it’s just your brain doing your job. And also it’s worth noting the brain does not differentiate between fear of public speaking or the fear of being eaten by a predator. We have to retrain our brain to avoid self-sabotage by making that unfamiliar familiar. And we train our brain to do this by making consistent and aligned, actionable steps saying to our brain, this is what I want. It’s fine. I am safe. We will survive. I know it feels uncomfortable, but I want to do this. So let’s keep going. It does take discipline and it does take perseverance and getting back when we fall. But the brain will continue to put sneaky little hurdles that we will trip over. And this is what self-sabotage is.
Confidence and self-sabotage is an interesting one because confidence fluctuates. It’s a bit like the time that comes and goes. Depending on situation, depending on specific tasks or behavior or action that you’re about to take, we need to override our brain’s impulse to self-sabotage so that we become very familiar and build experience in something. It is then we build confidence and our brains start to relax and start to feel comfortable. It’s like a long road where there are many opportunities to be diverted by short-term gratification. And remember earlier, we talked about how we are hardwired with the short term gratification, because this is how we survive. Or at least that’s how our brain thinks how we survive. In this modern world, it’s different. So the more you are used to change, the easier it is to change. You have an inbuilt resilience to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
And I know that sounds kind of an oxymoron, but it is true. If you get so used to feeling uncomfortable, then you’re comfortable with it. So for example, someone like me, I’ve lived 20 different settings. Now I’m always slightly uncomfortable about going to a new city, but I’m very comfortable with that uncomfortable feeling. So that’s an example. I think also with each level of new growth – and we grow, or at least we should be growing all the time as we exist because that’s all about having the growth mindset – you have to create an internal belief that you have everything you need inside of you to achieve what you want to achieve. If you don’t believe in yourself, then any issue or issues you’ve come across becomes all-pervasive. And this is where I think self-esteem comes into the equation. So as I mentioned earlier, confidence fluctuates.
And if I compare to say an Olympian athlete, who is super confident about doing a thousand-meter race – done before no problem – however, they can have no confidence if someone says, I want you to speak to a thousand people about physical exercise. So their confidence comes down. However, if they have very good self-esteem, they may have no confidence in public speaking, but they have a belief in themselves that they can achieve anything they want to achieve because they believe they can. And that’s the difference between self-esteem – [it] is having a strong belief in your own ability – and confidence, which fluctuates depending on what you’re doing. I think also with self-esteem, as it’s very much internal navigation, it’s not dented by other people’s comments or opinions. It’s something that you have inside of yourself. And this is the, the, from my opinion, the most important thing that you need to address. [The] confidence you can actually have in different situations, but if you have self-esteem, this really is your key to actually achieving a growth mindset and being very successful.
Those that have poor self-esteem – which equates to a lot of the clients that I work with at all ages, and both men and women – will allow their brain to steer them from pain to short term pleasure, very easily with very little resilience. And this is often activated unconsciously, and people kick and blame themselves when actually the brain is just doing its job. I do believe that low self-esteem is a very strong and often unconscious driver for self-sabotage, coupled with a belief that something is not available to them, they can’t have it. So they self-sabotage to actually make sure that belief comes true. So: I believe I can’t have that, so I will self-sabotage and that proves I can’t have that. So, someone that wants to be very successful in business, they will self-sabotage themselves and their unconscious part of their brain will say: “Oh, okay, you don’t want that. Right. You don’t believe you can have that. So you won’t have it. So we’ll do something to stop you getting it”.
And that actually sounds a very simple way to talk about the brain, but it does actually do that. And I’ve seen it so many times. When people have very good self-esteem, they’ve mastered the ability to override their brain self-sabotage and go: “Actually, I know what you are doing, but I’m going to continue to do this because yes, I may feel uncomfortable. And yes, I still may feel a bit of fear, but I actually want this”. And eventually, your brain toes the line, but it does take time. I think also what’s worth pointing out is the difference between perceived fear and real and present fear. So how’s a fire if you feel fear, that’s real and present fear and you might not survive if you don’t get out. So that fear is a good motivator to get out of the house if it’s on fire. Another type of fear is [the] fear of public speaking. You are not going to die from that kind of fear. It is a fear that wants to keep you safe, but that’s more safe from identity or self-esteem and ego.
Well, it all starts with you. You have to work on yourself first and create a really strong belief system in your own unique talents and abilities. Never ever compare yourself to others. It’s so destructive and so many of us do it, and it really doesn’t help. Believe you have everything inside of you to achieve anything you want. And then take short, actionable steps to achieve it. Mountains are climbed by taking small steps. Nobody took one step to the top of the mountain. They take short steps and they learn as they go. And it’s the best way to do it. And it’s how I work.
You – I have an expression where I say set yourself up for success – so do small things and celebrate the achievement. No matter how small it is, say: well done. And that’s actually sending a message to your brain going: “Oh, he/she likes this. Oh, okay. We can keep going. All right. She’s happy. Okay. What’s next?” And by doing that, you’re building your own self-esteem, you’re building confidence, but you’re also training your brain. It’s okay to do new things. I want this. And it doesn’t really matter if these things that you’re celebrating is small. So many times I hear: Oh, but it’s not really a celebration. Yes, it is. If you achieve something that you’ve not done before, celebrate it. Even if it’s by yourself, even if you’re just going to get a cup of tea or a cup of coffee, you go: well done. This is a celebration and it sends a message to your brain and I cannot encourage you enough to do this because what you’re doing is you’re going into discomfort and then celebrating it and then doing a bit more. Before you know it, you’ve climbed that mountain.