Transcript
With negative self talk, I really understand it in terms of being the voice of the inner critic. And, so, what I mean by that is that if you understand yourself and your personality as having different parts to yourself. So, for example, one analogy that’s often used to help to paint that picture is that maybe you’re on a bus and you’ve got different passengers on that bus; passengers with different voices, and there’s all different parts of yourself. So, for example, if you identify as this, or if you’re the one that’s in the driver’s seat, and you’ve got the controls; but in the backseats, you’ve also got maybe someone that is an inner child. So you’ve got a little girl, then you’ve got another character, or another voice, that’s a pusher that always pushes you to do more than you think that you might do.
Maybe there’s a voice that likes to break rules or like someone that’s really cheeky, or you might even have a CEO; for example, someone that’s really confident and knows what they’re doing. And then you also have the voice of the inner critic. So, the negative talk is really just this voice coming through in your head, which sometimes we identify as ourselves, but it’s really just a particular part. And it’s that voice that stops us from taking risks, or it will push us to grow much quicker than what we’re comfortable with. And the things that I always say about this is that it’s really important to understand that it has a function. Then I hear a lot of people saying, “I can’t stop this negative self-talk. I really want to squash it or annihilate it”, which is coming forward with this language; which, I understand, it makes you feel more powerful and in control. But, to me, I’ve always just felt really bad when I hear that. Because these are all parts of yourself, parts of your personality, and it’s really important to understand why they’re here. What’s their function? And really approach them with compassion and love and just really have that open space about understanding.
So, I grew up in Australia, and we’ve got this culture that’s called, the Tall Poppy Syndrome. So, people can be good at what they do, but it’s not really encouraged that you stand out from the crowd or that you’ll become really shiny and people seek attention in that way. And so, the particular inner critic in that culture protects you from this Pope to a poppy culture by helping you to play it safe and to blend into the crowd. You can be good, but not too good; not to really stand out. And so, when I think about that, it also seems quite a dangerous thing or a very active voice in entrepreneurship. Because one of the things that we are told is to stand out. It’s becoming, especially online, a much more crowded place. And so, one of the things that people are often encouraged to do is to really niche down, to earn your voice, to stand out, to showcase what’s different about you. But when the inner critic comes into play, it’s one of those things that has often this protective function. And so if your particular inner critic doesn’t want you to stand out from the crowd because it’s not safe, then you’ve always got this pushing pool.
It is really quite common to female entrepreneurs. A lot of it is around, whom am I to start my own business? Who am I to charge this amount for this service? I’m not qualified enough to do this, which I often hear from women that, actually, when you dig into that, they’ve got so many skills. They’ve got all these qualifications and all this experience, but it’s still this feeling of: I’m not qualified enough to actually teach this or to support people in this area. I’m a fraud or I’m an impostor. We often hear that imposter syndrome concept coming up. Which, ultimately, these are just all different ways of saying, “I’m not good enough”; or having that feeling of not actually being good enough at what you do. Most of the time we don’t necessarily sit there and hear that voice. But when you start to be a bit more aware and a bit more conscious, that’s a lot of the phrases that constantly come up in the women that I work with.
More confidence is the thing that helps you to take action. Then, I would say that we do not have that negative self-talk. It actually stops you from taking action and, in that way, it keeps you small and really limits your potential; and stops you from taking risks, or stops you from moving outside of your comfort zone, just makes you generally feel crap. Like, sometimes, one of the things that I think about is that, as a sort of a… to paint a picture. It’s as if you were going to go out on stage, and you wanted to present something to people. But if your audience is really appreciative and they are the ones that applaud you, or maybe you haven’t done something so right, but they are still encouraging you, then, you’re going to feel better about yourself. It’s going to be easier to keep going to do more talks to get up in front of more people.
But if you have an audience that booze you or throws things at you and tells you, “Well, that was really rubbish! Well, that was pointless! What did you do that for? Someone else can do it better!” All these negative messages, the two things that might happen is that you’re just going to feel really rubbish and quit, and just not want to go ahead because it just feels like, “all people are just throwing all this crap at me and I’m not good at it”. So you’re buying into it and not take those actions anymore, or you force yourself to keep doing those things, but you’re not going to feel good about it. This negative self-talk is the things that we hear in our culture. It’s things that we’ve internalized. So, there’s that dynamic in that relationship, but it’s really a part of yourself that is saying all of these things to you. So, in that respect, we actually do have all the power to be able to renegotiate that relationship that we have with ourselves and our inner critic.
The first thing is to really just become more aware and to use whatever tools are comfortable for you. I know that a lot of people swear by meditation. Not everyone is into that, but it’s still cultivating some sort of practice where you are more aware of those thoughts in your head, because if you don’t know that you have them there, it’s not really an easy thing to go and change them. So, I would say, just whatever it is that gets you more aware. Whether you want to meditate; whether you want to write; whether it’s just really sitting there quietly contemplating.
There’s a particular practice that I am not an expert in. So, I just want to sort of talk about why it’s a good thing, but it’s called EFT, which is [the] Emotional Freedom Technique. I’m picking out a specific thing that works for me, with that particular thing; even though there’s a bigger system around it. What I have found -this really works- is that you actually talk to yourself out loud or in your head. And in that way, it’s a bit of a pattern interrupter. It might be a kind of a written-in thing: I feel really bad about myself; even though that’s the case, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. You know, even though I’m noticing that I just feel really bad and I’m really a bad writer, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I shouldn’t be writing because I’m not good enough, or I’m not qualified enough and no one is going to read it, I deeply completely love and accept myself. And I just really liked that it’s this free flow sort of dynamic, where you just out loud, without having to make time to sit there and journal without something that might get in the way. It’s in a really easy way to just notice your thoughts and take it in a different direction.
Another thing that I found. This is just something that I naturally do, it’s not necessarily an EFT thing, but sometimes, I would start with that acknowledgement; and then, I’d find myself just riffing and going in a more positive direction, which feels a little bit more transformative with the self-talk. So in that example, it might be like, okay, even though I -starting off with the same acknowledgement-, …even though I’ve spent two hours writing these blog posts and I really dislike it, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.“Even though I’ve written this thing and it’s… I’m feeling like it’s really bad, that’s okay! Because I know that I can improve. You know, even though I’m just feeling bad about this particular thing, and I shouldn’t have wasted my time with this, I know that I’m resourceful enough to actually get better at writing. I know that I’ve got the courage to actually put that out there and to get feedback. And from that valuable feedback, I’m going to be able to, again, improve my writing. I know that I’ve got the courage to, you know, recognize that it’s not just about me. It’s actually about the people that I serve and having the courage to put these things out there, and maybe it will turn to someone. Maybe someone will be able to have a positive takeaway. And in that way, I’m not letting my fears stand in the way; and, you know, kind of going with it, in that way. So I find that a really proactive way to just interrupt that, but also take this negative self-talk in another direction.
So, the other things that I also do is just really catching myself in that moment and ask, is this actually true? Am I a really bad writer or is it just that I feel that way? And is there something that I can do about it? And that also puts that back in that point of being powerful, being able to actually take action on something. You’re not just sitting there feeling bad about; saying or feeling like I’m a victim, I’m powerless. It’s actually something that you can do to transform this particular situation. Really starting to build evidence around: is this negative belief, or this negative self-chatter, something that’s real in the world? Or is it just that I feel this particular way? So maybe, again, with that example, as you know you feel that you’re really bad at writing… but, is that actually true? When you put things out there in the world, do you get a response? Are you able to connect with People? Know what is it that people are saying; and how is it that you’re feeling about yourself. Just to really check-in and have that reality-check.
I would just always say, do whatever works for you! I know a lot of people are resistant to journaling, but I find that that’s one of the things that I always recommend to start with, or at least just to try. Because it’s one of those things that’s just so much more powerful: to put something down on the page, and just to free write and see where that takes you. Especially when it comes to negative self-talk; when I understand it as being an inner critic, it’s really about giving that part of yourself voice on the page. So, if you’re journaling and you’re sitting there quietly, you start to hear the voices; and then you just write them out, and just being aware of that, and really just freewriting as that voice. Recognizing that it’s a part of yourself and looking at, what does it have to say? You know, sometimes I might have a few questions on the side of the page so that it doesn’t break the flow, but I’m aware that I want to ask it; you know, why are you saying these things? Or, where did you come from?
But the easiest thing is just to kind of say, “okay, I have this voice, give it permission to write whatever it needs to, on the page; to not censor it, to just set it up in terms of, this is a safe space. I recognize that there is a part of myself that is saying these negative things. There is a purpose to this, and I’m just going to open it up to really be willing to hear what it says so that I can understand myself better, and really approach myself with compassion and understanding”. And then, after that piece of work gets done, you can look at, how can I work with this? And maybe go back to some of those other points in terms of looking at what’s written down and questioning: is this true? What evidence do I have? How can I reframe it? And just sort of having this toolbox that you can mix and match with different things and see how that works.