Transcript
Usually, people, when they say perfectionism, they understand it in a little bit of a positive way. Well, it depends on who you’re talking to, but in its positive form, I would say it’s really about someone that has a lot of attention to detail and works to a high standard. But the most common type of perfectionism, I think, it’s almost like a cousin of procrastination, in the sense that you’re really avoiding something. And, usually, it’s about avoiding failure, or disappointment, or embarrassment. So, with entrepreneurship, one of the most common ways – and I’ve been guilty of this as well-, especially when you’re starting out, there’s [are] so many hats that you need to wear, and you’re doing so many things on your own. And especially when it comes to women in business, it’s around branding. It’s just one of those things that perfectionists, even if you didn’t think that you were one, it comes out so strongly. Looking to perfect the website’s font or the shades of colour, and looking at working out your logo, which can be just so problematic, especially if it’s not your zone of genius.
But, again, when you’re starting out, you’re not necessarily going to outsource these things. And so, for a lot of people that do go down the DIY option, you’re really easy to get caught in that trap. So it’s really around avoidance, then, of getting started. But for a lot of women, we start doing things in the wrong order and feeling like we have all these things that we need to do; not quite sure what to do. And so, we get caught in that cycle of being [a] perfectionist and avoiding the really important tasks. And usually, it’s really easy to get caught up with branding and websites. Because that’s one of the things that people say, “it’s your shop front. That’s what you need to do!”
Women in particular. I mean, everyone can be vulnerable to perfectionism, but in this society, women in particular. Because we’ve always been indoctrinated to look beautiful and to present in a particular way, and to work harder and to work better. And, even just in the workforce, we’re always encouraged to -or not even encouraged to- but it’s this feeling of, we actually need to over-prepare and overwork to get the same opportunities as the men do. And so, you know, you will find this, even though things are changing, it’s still that culture of: women have to be better than men or be perceived to be better in order to get the same opportunities – just because of our gender.
And so, when you’ve got this operating system in your mind, and the spotlight is on you, you’re always going to feel pressured to be better or to be perfect in that way. And it’s also connected to this avoidance in terms of not just fear of failure, but I think it’s really the shame that comes to that and avoiding that feeling so that, if you have the spotlight on you and you’re not good enough, or you’ve done something wrong, then it’s just this overwhelming feeling of shame that is also connected to, as I was saying earlier, that feeling of not being good enough, which is what a lot of women grow up with. And then this gets blown out of proportion, and going down that downward spiral. Then that in a critic that comes in, or in terms of the negative self-talk and just being prone to questioning yourself. It’s like, “oh! You know, why am I even doing this type of work? I shouldn’t be here. People are going to think I’m a fraud…”; all of that. Ultimately, you get so caught up in those things that you get stuck and you don’t move forward. And that’s really the danger that you either, you don’t move forward, you don’t start at all, or you have trouble finishing things.
Ultimately, if you’re afraid, how confident can you be? You know, if you’re sitting there in anxiety, whether it’s conscious or unconscious, and you’re not taking action and you’re not moving forward, or you’re not getting things started; then, that doesn’t help your confidence. And having confidence in yourself is also that you know that, when you start something, or when you say that you’re going to do something, you actually follow through. So, the more you get caught up in that perfectionism, and you don’t start moving forward, that really erodes that trust in yourself. Because you see this after you kind of stuck you. So, you’re sort of swimming in circles in a way. I think it’s also really important to, even though you’re talking about perfectionism, it’s really about looking at your relationship to fear, and what is underneath that perfectionism. Because for everybody it’s really quite personal. And so what it means for you, and what are the things that are actually keeping you back.
So if you, for example, again, getting caught up with your branding, you know, is it that you are scared of being visible? Is it that you don’t actually want to go out and connect with other clients because yes, you want to start your own business, but maybe there’s something in that’s holding you back because, underneath that, you’re scared that if you get visible, people might notice you more. And then if they notice you more, they might think that you’re not good enough or that you’re not qualified, or again, coming into all those other points that we’re talking about; that in a negative inner chatter that you hear out.
It always comes back to self-awareness. So that’s really the first thing to observe yourself and really catch yourself, and maybe also ask other people sometimes as well. It really helps to check in when we get caught up with those things and also evaluate, is it necessary? Because for example, if you have a job or you are building bridges, or you’re an architect that you need that attention to detail. But if you are wanting to start your own business and you are spending full time on your website, well, then, that would probably indicate that it’s not necessary. And then, you know, that’s something that you can outsource; or if you want to DIY it yourself, then use this kind of entrepreneur mantra, which is: done, is better than perfect.
And so, really having that sort of push and pull between being aware, but also evaluate: “okay, am I being really perfectionist? Am I being caught up here? Is it really stopping me from moving forward? Can I do things differently?” And just notice how it feels to let go [of] those particular things. And, similarly to what I was saying with the inner critic, just listened to that inner-perfectionist. If you may be aware of the voices that are in your head or the dynamic that happens. And I also say this because I’ve done this many times as well. When I’m starting a new web page, and noticing that I’m spending way too much time than it’s actually necessary; and it’s not serving, it’s just keeping me stuck. And so, how do I feel? If I say, “okay, this is good enough. I’ll give myself an hour. I need to finish this within the hours on time. If it’s not done, too bad”. Just really understanding, done is better than perfect. I can come back and work on it at another time. Or I can get some help, but not being stuck in that.
So it’s a little bit of a dynamic between that awareness and noticing how you feel, and being able to move on; which, I know, sometimes it’s not always easy, especially when you’re going to put something out in the world that other people will see, and it reflects you and, potentially, judges you. So be more aware of that. Evaluate what is going on. Notice that fear. And always go down the path of journaling to just uncover more what’s underneath that. Because it’s really easy to say, okay, I noticed that I’m being a perfectionist, but if you don’t actually understand, what is the fear? Is it that you’re worried [about] what other people will think? Is it, you know, that you’re going to be judging yourself? What is that actual personal cause for you?
You know, maybe you had an experience in your childhood which, you know, a lot of people actually do have this; it’s connected to that. Or going back to, as I said, with EFT. Whether you do that particular process, or just talking to yourself out loud to just uncover, what is it for you personally? What are those messages that you’re holding that maybe are stored in your unconscious, but they’re still affecting their behaviour? To just really get clarity on that, and then make an action plan to do things differently. And often, you know, I think it’s good to rely on yourself, but maybe share this with a friend or another colleague, or someone at home that can actually help to keep you accountable. So that you’re not always going off track, but having someone that notices it and says, “okay, are you doing it again?!” And then you can check in with yourself, and do whatever necessary actions or changes from there.