Transcript
I really want to narrow it down and really define what is a belief. Because people get very confused about this and think it’s set once you have a belief, that’s it. In very simple terms, I think a belief is something that you believe to be true and it’s largely irrelevant whether it is or not, you believe it. And we are not born with a set of beliefs. And I think it’s important to make that statement. We’re not born with it. They are sculpted and molded, particularly over childhood. And that’s what we learned to believe about the world and what we believe about ourselves. And what we believe about ourselves is how we perceive the world.
Now, my belief system has evolved significantly over the last 10 years. I was very much brought up in the perfection mindset: you have to be perfect at something. And what I do now is I spend a lot of my time just believing that I’m enough as I am. And ironically, believing you’re enough as you are right now encourages you and gives you [the] confidence to learn more. So when I say myself: I’m me, I’m enough as I am, I believe that anything is possible if I believe it is. So I’ll say that again: I believe anything is possible if I believe it is. In terms of what are my limiting beliefs, I think, as I talked about earlier, I have a quest for perfection. It was ingrained in me as a child to be perfect, to get everything right. There was no second best. There was no getting something wrong. So I have reduced the impact of this limiting belief – and it is, to have to be perfect is a limiting belief – but it’s still lurking ready to pounce.
And I think it’s important to remember that you don’t just delete limiting beliefs. They can still be there, but you have to be conscious of them and work against them. So I work against procrastination to perfection and instead I focus on progress. You know, the traction only exists with taking action. You know, Seth Godin said: ship, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just ship it, you can refine as you go. And I think that’s the best way to do things.
I think women are particularly skilled at comparing themselves adversely with others, which makes them procrastinate. I have seen this manifest in men too, but not as acutely as women. And this comparison often results in people downgrading their abilities: oh, I’m not good enough and they’re much better. Who am I? Who am I to do this? All these kinds of things come to fore, which actually stops your achieving, what you really want to achieve. And it’s not true, it’s a belief. And remember a belief is just something that you believe you can change that to believe you are possible to believe you are enough. And when you believe you’re enough, anything is possible.
How does this influence my confidence? Well, I have a belief – and I think lots of people have heard this before – is the only focus to have is being the absolute best version of myself. And I call it being perfectly imperfect. And I think that just gives so much freedom when you can accept that you are perfectly imperfect. You don’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t exist. Nobody is perfect – what can I say – we are not meant to be. Because what makes us imperfect actually makes us perfect as we are.
So how does all this influence the confidence? I feel the focus should be really on self-esteem because competence naturally fluctuates. And I want to use this metaphor that I use a lot with my clients. If you imagine building a house and the house may look fabulous above the ground. It’s beautiful, it’s got a fantastic roof and lovely windows, et cetera, but underneath the foundations are pretty rocky. So what happens is over time with adverse weather conditions and just getting old, things start to crack and eventually it will fall down without good foundations. So if you imagine this is a metaphor for a person, the good foundations is self-esteem. And the rest that you build on top is the confidence and experiences. So as you build this house, ensure that your foundations, your self-esteem is rock solid and it doesn’t matter what’s going on outside because you know, inside, you’ve got a rock-solid foundation.
How do you stop self-limiting beliefs? Well, I’m going to say something slightly different. You do not stop self-limiting beliefs, there is not an on/off button. Clinical studies do not support the assertion that you can simply delete your habits of thought, more: you drown them out with creating new dynamic pathways in your brain that are strengthened with repetition. So imagine that a new thought process, a new strong belief – not a limiting belief, you’re creating a new belief – and you’re walking, you’ve got a path that you always took across [the] field. And you’re saying actually, you know, there’s a better way. So I’m going to take this pathway. You have to walk it many times to get the grass down, to start seeing that new pathway. And that’s how you create a new belief. That old pathway is still there and you can still take it, but over time, [the] grass starts to grow over it.
But it’s still there. You have to choose to have [a] new thought or belief. So you must consciously create empowering beliefs that drown out the limiting beliefs and just say to yourself, I don’t need those anymore. It’s repetition, repetition. I can do this. I love doing this. When I’m doing something new or I’m taking an exam, I say to myself: I love, love, love taking exams. I love, love, love giving talks. And I hate giving talks, but I say: I love, love, love taking talks. And that’s rerouting my brain to say: Oh, okay. Yeah, you’ve done this before, we’ll go down this route. So we must learn to command, to command our brains, to do what we want and leave those limiting beliefs because we don’t need that pathway anymore.